by Thomas Davidson

Question: Shootings, robbery, beheadings, and cosmology—is there a link? Can cosmology provide fresh insight, a new lens through which we apprehend violent crime and cosmic justice?

Even better question: Can men with a history of domestic abuse be blocked before they murder their girlfriends? Can head-chopping stranglers be stopped? Is there an innovative way to reduce violent assault and murder by 24/7 angry-ass dudes who can’t, or won’t, or refuse to control themselves…no…matter…freaking…what?

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Answer:

Take this dude. This dude really needed craigslist intervention.

Jared Remy

Jared Remy

May 27, 2014. Deadspin reported:

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“Jared Remy, son of longtime Red Sox broadcaster Jerry, pleaded guilty today to the brutal murder of the mother of his child. For a man with a history of domestic abuse and who received inexplicable second and third and, hell, seventeenth chances, this is it: He’ll spend life in prison without the possibility of parole. Remy beat and repeatedly stabbed his girlfriend, Jennifer Martel, at their home in Waltham, Mass., last August, just one day after a restraining order against him was lifted.”

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Let’s backtrack. Let’s start in the sky. On April 4, 2014, Discover Magazine’s blog ran a piece with this headline: A Rare Alignment of Sun, Earth, Moon, Mars—and the Human Spirit. This rare event featured a lunar eclipse, a peekaboo view of Mars, and a campaign to let ordinary citizens name craters on Mars (for a small fee).

News outlets around the globe covered this celestial alignment. But another (albeit terrestrial) alignment, currently underway in the U.S., has been completely ignored by the timid media. Consider this crazed calendar of events.

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July 21, 2014. Associated Press reported:

Craigslist Killings: Pregnant Teen Strangled, Man Decapitated After Connecting With Stranger In Michigan

 

“A pregnant Michigan teenager was strangled and her boyfriend was decapitated after apparently connecting with a stranger through the online service Craigslist for a sexual encounter,” police said Monday.

Brady Oestrike

Brady Oestrike

“The police chief in Wyoming, a Grand Rapids suburb, said that 18-year-old Brooke Slocum was held captive before her death. Her body was found Thursday in the trunk of the suspect’s car. She was eight months pregnant.

“Chief James Carmody says her boyfriend, Charles Oppenneer, 25, was found decapitated in a park a day earlier. His head hasn’t been found.

“Emails indicate that Slocum connected with the suspect, 31-year-old Brady Oestrike, through a Craigslist ad and arranged a sexual encounter where Oppenneer would be present, according to investigators.”

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A recent Google search, using the key words “crimes on craigslist,” produced a hailstorm of hits. Even mild-mannered About.com, providing story links to two “craigslist killers,” said:

“Craigslist is like any unmonitored online community. There are good people and there are criminals. Criminals sometimes turn to Craigslist to find their victims. Here are the profiles on some of those criminals. See how they lured total strangers to private places where they could commit their crimes.”

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Hello, Oxford Dictionary’s Word of the Year. Are you listening? Craigslist killers. Well, three days before the Michigan story, on July 18, 2014, this appeared on Newser:

Kansas City Parents Shot Looking at Craigslist Car

SUSPECTS MAY HAVE ROBBED ANOTHER MAN OF AN XBOX EARLIER THAT DAY

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“A Kansas City couple who went to check out a car they saw on Craigslist were shot and robbed Wednesday night…The men took the wife’s purse, which had $3,000 in cash for the car purchase, say police. Authorities believe the incident may be related to an earlier armed robbery that day in which a Kansas City man says he tried to sell his Xbox and gaming accessories to a man who saw his ad on Craigslist, reports the Kansas City Star. As the potential buyer was examining the wares, two other men reportedly arrived sporting a gun; the three men then lifted the Xbox and other items and ran into nearby woods, police say.”

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Is a pattern emerging? A terrestrial alignment? Perhaps one more coordinate would fill this out. How about this? On February 12, 2014, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Columbia Pictures released Robocop in the United States. You know the story. Rampant crime. A wounded cop, outfitted with a cybernetic body and software, kicks criminal ass, etc.

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Robocop? Could this flick be the tone-setter for how we curb crime in the future? Could Robocop nudge us into a new direction where we reexamine crime prevention, and respond with way-outside-the-box solutions? Not with cyber cops. Instead, the film challenges us to be bold, to rethink our crime-reduction methodologies.

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Hey, Jared? Meet the Decapitator.

Perhaps it’s time to put the cosmic craigslist alignment to the test. Imagine if Jared Remy, a champion of domestic assault, had answered a craigslist ad for a sexual encounter or a used car (or a sexual encounter in a used car). Imagine if Remy met up with the Kansas City robbers. Or, better yet, Brady Oestrike, the frisky Michigan strangler/decapitator. Imagine Remy knuckling up with the headhunter on a dark street, and having his head bounced off the hood of a vintage Dodge Dart, breaking off the hood ornament which jams into his nostril. Remy, in turn, sends the headhunter headfirst through the windshield. And so on. The two cancel each other out. Presto: two birds, one stone.

How many birds was that?

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Two
What does that bring?

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Peace (and quiet)

 

Let’s broaden the pool of candidates, of which there are many. Enough to form a pathetic parade of volcanic spouses, boyfriends, neighbors, co-workers…the dreary list goes on. Their daily mantra is essentially this: “Jesus Christ I’m gonna snap I swear to God I’mgonnasnap!”

on11Pick someone from the pool. Contact that special-someone-in-your-life on a day when he’s not making a court-ordered appearance for, say, road rage, because he tire-ironed the car beside him at the stoplight for unknown reasons. His day-planner needs to be unfettered that morning. Imagine emailing the misunderstood, under-appreciated, rambunctious rascal a link to craigslist for a used car. For your convenience, insert this message to the Big Daddy of the Free World:

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“Yo, Sluggo – When I picture you behind the wheel of this vintage, unbelievably priced Dodge Dart Swinger, with the sweet sun shining through the windshield and onto your sleeveless biceps (which are as big as garbage cans), well, for me it’s a pants-piddling drool-fest. Go get the Dart, you Titan of Tantric Sex, then swing back here and we can wiggle. Until then…smooches!”

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He’ll hit the link and see the craiglist logo with the peace symbol. If that doesn’t soften him up and drop his guard, nothing will. What a setup. He’ll never see it coming. From that point forward, it’s all…ah…auto negotiations as he meets his deserving peers.

 

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Actual photo of mysterious “craig” of craigslist

 

Who needs Robocop? Get some freakin’ peace in your life; you’ve earned it. Bring on craigslist! Let craigslist cancel the creeps in your life.

When your Big Daddy goes to buy this car on craigslist…

 

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…but instead gets ambushed by ‘the Decapitator’

 

 

 …You will get this.

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Thomas Davidson scribbled three quirky thrillers, FLOATERS, THE MUSEUM OF SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCES and PAST IS PRESENT, and a collection of humor, BOTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDUNCE KID. He’s never robbed or beheaded anyone on craigslist.

Click below for his recent posts on ALL THINGS CRIME BLOG.

King Kong STANDS HIS GROUND and Loves Forever!

Bermuda Triangle Spawns the George Washington Bridge Scandal?

The Mega Mack-Daddy of Illegitimate Daddies

The Art of Telephone Ju-Jitsu

Up – astral crime fiction

Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army Meet Paul McCartney — The Secret Link?

Botch Cassidy & the SunDunce Kid Hit the Home Depot

How the Little Drummer Boy Saved Christmas

 

website — www.thomas-davidson.com

blog — www.jurassicjim.blogspot.com

twitter litter — @TomDavidson99

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 Responses to Crime, Craigslist and Cosmic Justice: A Murderous (Ad)Venture

  1. Darcia Helle says:

    Sexual encounters in used cars… Is there a category for that?

    Thanks for the giggles!

  2. Rick says:

    Tom – Based on your post, I advise all readers of this blog to be afraid, be very afraid of Craigslist! Under no circumstance should you frequent that site, lest you wish to be dispossessed of your head. :(

  3. JN says:

    Tom great piece as always. See you soon for burro run and egging undercover cops in Lynn.

  4. […] Crime, Craigslist and Cosmic Justice: A Murderous (Ad)Venture […]

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